Sometimes no matter how much you want to maintain your peaceful bubble, the Universe finds a way to test your faith. This is my story on how I found my faith... again.
I have been experiencing much strife lately. My day job is overwhelming. So much so that I don’t know how I can do my job and take care of my responsibilities at my home. I am have been working on creating more space for the things I enjoy and a new path in life; yoga, study, meditation, women’s groups, exercise, connecting with my children, and healing. I have been working on me and THEN...I wake up on Wednesday morning with a dull ache in my left big toe. Another part of the “working on me” included getting a gait analysis in July because of persistent plantar fasciitis in both of my feet for the past year which had put a stop to my running and at times made just walking painful. I was prescribed new K-Swiss running shoes and Pro-Kinetics insoles that would help me to use my big toe. I also was told to wear a Strassberg sock during the night that would flex my foot while I slept. I didn’t wear the sock every night for I found it very difficult to sleep in but I wore it Tuesday night and then the pain started.
By the time I ended my Wednesday, after a full day of work, time with my family and cookies baked, my toe was throbbing/burning. I went to bed but could not sleep. I swear it was broken! I had my husband take me to the ER at two in the morning. Not broken, just a muscle/tendon pulled? Really, they didn’t know what was wrong. I couldn’t walk on it so they gave me crutches and a script for 600 mg of Ibuprofen.
I get through Thursday and Friday (barely). Now, I need to mention that as each day of the week progressed I did less and less of my “routine”. Morning meditation, three pages of writing, my affirmations, prayer, spiritual readings and some form of exercise all went slowly out the window. By Friday, they were non-existent and I was exhausted. I sat in the rocking chair in the front room with my foot up and ice on it when I asked my thirteen year old to get the Ibuprofen from the kitchen. In that instant, my faith was to be tested again. My thirteen year old has a disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type I (brittle bone disease). He has broken about 15 bones to date. When he ran into the kitchen to get me the pain reliever, he slipped and fell and broke his left elbow. It was a bad one. He wouldn’t move and refused to remove his right hand from holding his left elbow. Another ER visit.
This is where a little of my faith started to return. I have a friend who is a pediatric ER doctor and just happen to be working that night. She worked with my son so well that evening, made him feel comfortable, answered all his questions and even took care of mom and dad. We were truly blessed. The ordeal hadn’t ended, he would need surgery for he had broken his olecranon bone the tip of his elbow was detached from the ulna. It’s Labor Day weekend, we were suppose to go up north for my aunt’s surprise 75th birthday party but we had to cancel those plans due to my work, my foot and now a broken elbow. I try and stay off my foot for the next 24 hours while I help my son manage his pain and his sorrow. He was so excited to go to school this year and show the kids how much he has grown and the new clothes he had gotten and now he has to go back with a broken bone, just what he doesn’t want. He doesn’t want to appear weak to the other boys and that is what he thinks they think of him as they have seen his many breaks. He is thirteen and appearances are important, I get it. I listen and reflect his feelings, I try not to solve but I feel so helpless and this is where the pity starts!
I feel helpless because I can’t solve his problem, I can’t walk without crutches, I can’t take care of my home, I can’t easily get myself something to eat. I have to ask people for help and at times they are not that eager to help me. I am tired of not being able to do the things I want...run, do yoga, workout, clean my house, go for a brisk walk in nature. I cry and feel helpless. Why ME??? Why do I feel as if I am alone and that the Universe has it in for me?
I sleep on it. When I wake I decide to get back to my morning routine; write my three pages, soak my feet and drink my chai- what can it hurt? Then I lite my candle and meditate , pull some angel cards and prayed. And, as I start to do this I recognize what I need...to reach out for support. So, I text two friends and tell them I need moral support and immediately they are at my aid. One comes with healing words and medicine in the morning and the other one comes in the evening with healing hands, empathetic ears and a vehicle to whisk me away for awhile. I also get a friend to come over and hang out with my thirteen year old and he is happy again. My husband is working in the yard and taking care of needed chores. My nineteen year old waters the garden, runs some errands and encourages me to rest my foot. It is all coming together!
Yes, I lost it for a few days but I realized that strife is for a reason. I asked for clarity, to know God’s will and that is only going to happen if I look at my shadow side, the side that is NOT pretty, in fact, it can be quite ugly. Pity, hopelessness, blame, self-doubt. And how do you get to see these things? You get to see these things only through strife. How do I react when things really suck? How long will it take me to come back to center? Darren Main, in his book “Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic” writes it best, “...when we make the conscious or unconscious commitment to become more peaceful, the universe rearranges itself to show us the things that our blocking our peace.” I end my meditation sessions daily with, “Let the light and love of God shine within my heart, let the love and light of God shine within my words and let the love and light of God shine within my thoughts and actions. OH- that is easy to do when it is smooth sailing but when we hit rough waters...how easy is it then?
This has been a great lesson that I am sure will be repeated for I need practice. Where do you go when things don’t happen the way you want them to? What can you do to deepen your faith or spiritual practice? Are you ready for the ride?
Peace and Namaste,
Carrie
No comments:
Post a Comment
I'd love to hear from you. What you have to say is important! Please leave a comment.