Boundaries- good ways of caring for yourself.

Franconia Sculpture Park, Franconia, MN (CMG original)

I am working on my boundaries.  I grew up knowing absolutely nothing about them so as I moved through adolescence and into adulthood, I had nary a model as how to separate myself from the people whom I loved and their abusive behaviors. 

For many, many years I tried to “fix” those people.  I would attach myself to people that I thought needed fixing.  I just knew in my soul that I could help them if only they would let me.  I instinctively knew that I had healing powers but I didn’t know how to take care of myself and not allow others to suck that energy right from me, because they will, you know.  They don’t mean to but it’s like the mosquito who cannot help being attracted to the light and then ultimately to its death. 

So, I’m working on this.  You may be too.  The greatest “ahHA” moment was when I found the key. 

The key to boundaries is that YOU get to decide what they are and set them and then YOU get to work on yourself! The pressure of trying to change someone else and the failed result is gone!  It never works see because you CAN’T change anyone else, you can only change yourself.

By working on yourself, you become infections. The phrase, “lead by example” comes to mind, or “actions speak louder than words”.  People you come into contact with feel your strong, calm energy.  They can sense that you are not going to be pulled into the drama.  When you stop interacting with drama-filled people, they get bored.  “What, no drama?” they say and after awhile they move on.  There is nothing in it for them anymore.  You have maintained your boundaries.  And yes, setting boundaries means, at times, letting go.

Here are 3 basic steps to setting boundaries:

1. Focus on yourself.  Your spouse, your child, your mom or dad are going to do what they are going to do.  You can suggest, criticize, nag and complain all you want but all you are doing is taking the focus OFF of yourself.  Bring it back to you.  What can you do for yourself?

2. Release your worries and concerns about those people to the Universe.  Know that they have their own path.  They have lessons to learn and the Universe will provide those lessons and care for them.  Meditate and/or pray.

3. Get support.  If you need help on how to set boundaries, join a group like Al-Anon, see a therapist, buy a book like, Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie.

It is hard work to un-learn old patterns of behavior but it is not impossible.  Remember, in every moment you have a choice.  You can choose to say “no”.  You can choose to remain happy.  You can choose to care for yourself.  And remember…we are all doing the best we can in every given moment.

Namaste,

Carrie