Can you Forgive Yourself? Returning to Atman.

“As long as we think ego, we feel attached and fall into sorrow.  But realize you are the Self, the Lord of Life and you will be freed from sorrow.”  Mundka Upanishad

I had a dream the other night that I had an infant, someone gave this baby to me.  I knew that I had to care for him, that he was now mine.   I was at this big gathering carrying him around, a warm, collapsable bundle, so new that it was difficult to hold him to my chest because he had no neck control.   I was feeling  a bit awkward for it had been quite some time that I had responsibility for someone this new.  I went about chatting and mingling and then, poof, I’d look down and notice the baby was gone from my arms.  I was so into talking to the people in the room I had forgotten that I had a baby that was my sole responsibility to care for.   In a panic, I went searching the room, looking for my baby.  I thought to myself, “Oh my God, how could you forget, you idiot, you have a baby you need to care for!”  Then, in the distance, I heard crying coming from a closet.  I opened it up and there was the baby, on a shelf.  I reached in and put him in my arms once again- fully relieved and repeatedly berating myself for my forgetfulness and obvious lack of skills.

How can I interpret this?  Many ways, I suppose, but what sticks out most in my mind was the feeling of being incapable or daft when being charged with caring for this infant.  How does this currently relate to my life?  Most recently, in relation to both of my sons, one with the brittle bone disease and the other who is experiencing a lack of self-esteem and direction in his life, I have scolded myself.  I have said, “What did I do wrong?”  “What could I have done differently?”  The answer is ...NOTHING, I did the best I could.

Forgiveness, in my opinion, especially of oneself is not easy.  We have our ego to protect.  That thing, that voice that would rather die than say, “It’s ok, you can let it go.”   Deepak Chopra says, “Ego is just another word for edging God out.”  When we listen to our ego, we are not connecting with our true self, our spirit self- in yoga we call this, Atman, “spark of the divine”.  

The ego loves to separate and divide, put things into categories, define and judge.  The ego is not bad, it is what it is- that voice that berates us, makes us feel guilty and won’t let us forgive.  The true source is our only way to forgiveness.  Guilt and shame stop us on our path towards self- love.  They are the true evolution stoppers.  Forgive yourself.  You did the best you knew how to do at the time.  Forgive someone else.  They did the best they could at the time given their resources.  No one’s goal in life from infancy is to be an alcoholic, an abusive husband, a neglectful mother.  We do and try our best but sometimes our models aren’t there.  We may not have had a model for a loving, caring father so how would we know how to be one?  Forgive and you will be released towards the happiness that you seek.  

DoreenVirtue, in her oracle card guide book has a prayer that I think is a wonderful one to help assist you in forgiveness.  

“I ask that you help me let go of self-blame and forgive myself.  Please guide me in releasing any toxic anger or fear toward others.  Thank you, (God or any angels) for allowing me to feel centered and at peace.”

What will you do today to start on the path of forgiveness?