Live for Today!

Willow River State Park, WI (CMG Original)

Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in.

Breathing out, I know

As the in-breath grows deep,

The out-breath grows slow.

Breathing in makes me calm.

Breathing out makes me ease.

With the in-breath, I smile.

With the out-breath, I release.

Breathing in, there is only the present moment.

Breathing out, it is a wonderful moment.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

In October of last year, my then 35 year old sister, had a massive stroke.  My mom found her in her apartment on the floor and unresponsive.  We were told that there was a dissection in her carotid artery that was the cause of her stroke.  They removed part of her skull and put it on ice to reattach at a later date to allow the brain to swell so that she would live.  The right side of her body was affected as well as her speech.  What has followed has been months of relearning everything that she never thought twice about before her stroke.  Walking, talking, toileting, dressing herself, recognizing colors and shapes and giving them names!  All things we take for granted as half-way intelligent adults in this world.

For one reason or another, many of us are so intent on planning and preparing for the future (what am I going to do this weekend?, what does my work schedule look like tomorrow?) that we forget to recognize the present moment.  I remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to see my first born child as an adult and now he is- a big, 6 foot, 170 lb. nineteen year old- and I wish I would have taken more time to savor those today moments.  Taking the time to really look into your child’s eyes or the eyes of your significant other or friend and hear them without thinking about what you will say next is an amazing thing!

Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D, a Harvard trained brain scientist,  wrote a book in 2006 called “My Stroke of Insight”.  She writes her own story, from the morning of her massive stroke and her road to full recovery.  She also explains how we can choose to use the right side of our brain to become more empathetic people and remove ourselves from the chatter of our left brain.  She writes, “It is liberating to know that I have the ability to choose a peaceful and loving mind (my right mind), whatever my physical or mental circumstances by deciding to step to the right and bring my thoughts back to the present moment.”

This moment is the only place we need to be.  This moment is the only real thing that exists (and that is debateable as well).  If you want to change your life, you can only do that by changing what you do today.  What one thing can you change? 

John C. Maxwell’s book, “Today Matters”, outlines practices that you can do TODAY to change your tomorrow.  Maxwell starts his book with choices that you can make today: 

Just for today... I will choose and display the right attitudes.

Just for today...I will determine and act on important priorities.

Just for today...I will know and follow healthy guidelines.

Just for today...I will communicate with and care for my family.

He lists ten more “just for today” ideas.  Pick just one of the above today and live it!  Today, I will choose and display the right attitudes.  What will you choose?

Are you a “Yes-man” (or woman)?

All my life I have been very good at saying, “yes!”  As a child, there was no higher praise than the praise I received for helping out or for doing a good turn for someone else. I learned that caring for others was the best way to feel good about myself.

Fast-forward twenty-plus years…I have two teenage children, a husband and a dog. Do you think that I have cared for them?  Of COURSE I have!  I have given them my all and at times more than my all.

I have also worked most of my life.  Since the age of twelve I have had one type of job or another.  I am a GREAT worker!  Employers love to hire me- I give them my all!

Cub Scout leader, Title I board, coach, neighborhood block club organizer, you name it, I have probably joined it.  I help people, I problem solve and get them from point A to point B.  But what happens when you 1. Continue to say “yes” to other people and you want to say no, 2. Don’t let people do things for themselves that they could do for themselves and 3. Don’t make time for yourself?

One word: RESENTMENT

Resentment can lead to all sorts of, what I call, “sick” thinking.  You start to blame others for your problems, you are angry for seemingly no reason, you try to fix every other person’s problems but your own.  You are NOT happy. 

So, how do you move from the place of resentment to love?  That is what it is, it is SELF-love.  You start caring for yourself most!  At this moment, you might say, “I can’t.  I have young children, I have a crazy job, I have to support my family, or I LIKE putting others first.”  Well, these are all lies, lies we tell ourselves, lies our ego tells us.  These thoughts are NOT our true soul-self, the self that is love-based because the only way we can ultimately, truly care for others and have others care for US is through self-love and once that happens, all the rest is possible.

Deepak Chopra is one good resource for more exploration into healing, balance and transforming your life.

What kind of self-care activity can you do for yourself today?

On Compassion

I’m sure that it has happened to all of us.  In fact, I heard someone recount a similar story and then, the same day, it happened to me.

A friend was telling me how he had received some angry text messages from his ex-wife.  In the past, he said, he would have responded with angry words back, engaging her in a tit for tat argument that would lead to hurt feelings on both sides and possible rage on either side.  Either way, this type of response that they both had engaged in in the past only led to more insanity for him.  He reflected that through his yoga and other spiritual work, he realized that he didn’t have to respond.  He didn’t have to respond especially since his words of response would probably not be very nice.  He could choose silence.

As I listened to him, at that moment, I thought about how until only recently have I been able to do that.  In the recent past I would engage in the drama.  The old adage, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” (something that I say to my two sons when they can’t get along) really holds truth in it and is a step towards Ahimsa – the first Yama in yoga which literally means not to injure or be cruel to living things.  It also means compassion for all things in thought, action and words- friendliness, kindness, and thoughtfulness.

Soon after this conversation with my friend I would be tested to see if I could apply the first Yama. 

Text messaging is interesting.  It allows us to visually say to other people what we think or feel but takes away our voice, which I feel leaves something out when we are communicating with other people.  Feeling can be difficult to communicate in words and especially in text.  Also intention can get lost in a text- inflection and emphasis. 

I believe that texting can be easier, at times, to communicate those hurt, angry or frustrated words.  This may be true for people who do not like confrontation.  Saying the things that bother you when the person is miles and miles away could be easier than standing in front of them and hurling those same words as you see the twisted, confused or irate expression on the other person’s face. So, when we decide to put that text out there that communicates our hurt, anger or frustration without looking that person in the face, we are taking our chances at a response. 

I received such a text shortly after I listened to my friend’s account.  It was not just one text either, it was 22 texts! It was text after text about how I didn’t get it and how this person was angry, hurt and suffering but blaming ME for it. 

My first response was to try and get this person to take responsibility for their own actions and to not step into the middle of the situation which was not really about me.  What happened next was divine intervention…I couldn’t have done it on my own, I was too close to it and I had history with this person but with a friend’s help I was able to see what this person was asking for…compassion.  The Universe was asking me to practice Ahimsa and with the help of my friend I was able to!

My response was one of compassion and understanding of the suffering that they felt.  It reflected the feelings of helplessness and kindly recognized all that this person had done.  GUESS WHAT?  That was exactly what that person needed!!  Another 10 text messages or so came back shortly after I pressed SEND on mine but they were quite different from the first 22.  They were ones that said ‘Yes, that is exactly how I feel and I am so hurt because I care so much but I only knew how to say that in an angry way until I felt understood by you.’ 

I had many choices in that moment.  I could have perpetuated the drama by engaging in the same kind of insane behavior, I could have ignored the text and thereby saved my own sanity but (with the help of my friend) I choose to climb the ladder and move towards LOVE.  Ahimsa- compassion towards all beings- not always easy to do but it has the best result.

On Meditation

Pond Flowers on Jensen Lake, Apple Valley, MN

I have been meditating on and off for twenty years.  I know that it is what helps give me balance, peace and clarity.  I know that it brings me closer to my Higher Power.  

When I was 27 years old, I was a single parent, living at my mom's with a one-year old son.  I was quite lost and had only begun to have some clarity after giving birth and caring for this new human being.  It was as if God came down and said to me, "Now, you will learn what love is all about."  

Things began to come to me.  Books, people, prayer and meditation.  It just started happening.  An older friend, mentor  gave me a book called, "Ask Your Angels".  I started praying to the angels daily.  I met a old Chinese man named Clem Chang who taught me QiGong and began to do the microcosmic orbit meditation.  I picked up Marianne Williamson's, "A Return to Love" and Gary Zukav's book, "The Seat of the Soul"- I read and the words spoke to me.  

I continued to meditate and then one day a voice said, "It's about learning to love yourself.  You need to love yourself first before anyone can ever love you or you can ever give TRUE love."  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was true, I NEVER loved myself.  The concept was foreign to me. What did that mean?  All my life I had been looking for someone to love me, looking for approval, my father's, my mother's...I was never good enough.  The voice spoke loud and strong over and over during this time in my life.  "You are perfect the way you are.  You are worthy of self-love."  

I remember in college, I used to have these dreams of being unconditionally loved...complete, fulfilling, true love.  They were the BEST dreams.  The kind that you never want to wake from.  It came in the form of David Letterman (it could be that because I would stay up to watch The Letterman Show that he was the last thing in my head).  He was the person who loved me.  Loved me for who I was, loved for who I had been and loved me...completely.  It was like he showed me what it felt like to be filled with self-love because through his loving me, I  loved me!  I always say it was "David Letterman as God."

I'm 45 now and still trying to meditate.  Through yoga, it has been reaffirmed that it is something that I need to practice.  Most days I meditate in the morning, getting in 5-20 minutes of sitting or chanting or reading and then reflecting.  I like variety.  I find that evenings are more difficult  to fit it in.  My two boys are now 13 and 19 and then stay up late.  There is no more quiet time for mom in the evenings.  It is also the time that my husband and I connect and although I could say, "Hey honey, sorry, not now, I need to meditate," and he would understand, I am not there yet.  I am usually too tired and I am lucky if I say a quick prayer while I am laying under the covers quickly drifting into sleep.  

My goal is to meditate a half an hour in the morning and a half and hour in the evening.  If I can't reach that all the time the other thing that I am practicing in just being in the present.  In yoga, this is the practice of dharana, learning to focus the mind and bring it into the present on a regular basis.  The only time that exists is now and in this moment I can choose my path.  I choose self-love as I know that is the only way.  I need constant reminders, I am only human.   In this moment, I do the best I can.