Are you a “Yes-man” (or woman)?

All my life I have been very good at saying, “yes!”  As a child, there was no higher praise than the praise I received for helping out or for doing a good turn for someone else. I learned that caring for others was the best way to feel good about myself.

Fast-forward twenty-plus years…I have two teenage children, a husband and a dog. Do you think that I have cared for them?  Of COURSE I have!  I have given them my all and at times more than my all.

I have also worked most of my life.  Since the age of twelve I have had one type of job or another.  I am a GREAT worker!  Employers love to hire me- I give them my all!

Cub Scout leader, Title I board, coach, neighborhood block club organizer, you name it, I have probably joined it.  I help people, I problem solve and get them from point A to point B.  But what happens when you 1. Continue to say “yes” to other people and you want to say no, 2. Don’t let people do things for themselves that they could do for themselves and 3. Don’t make time for yourself?

One word: RESENTMENT

Resentment can lead to all sorts of, what I call, “sick” thinking.  You start to blame others for your problems, you are angry for seemingly no reason, you try to fix every other person’s problems but your own.  You are NOT happy. 

So, how do you move from the place of resentment to love?  That is what it is, it is SELF-love.  You start caring for yourself most!  At this moment, you might say, “I can’t.  I have young children, I have a crazy job, I have to support my family, or I LIKE putting others first.”  Well, these are all lies, lies we tell ourselves, lies our ego tells us.  These thoughts are NOT our true soul-self, the self that is love-based because the only way we can ultimately, truly care for others and have others care for US is through self-love and once that happens, all the rest is possible.

Deepak Chopra is one good resource for more exploration into healing, balance and transforming your life.

What kind of self-care activity can you do for yourself today?

On Compassion

I’m sure that it has happened to all of us.  In fact, I heard someone recount a similar story and then, the same day, it happened to me.

A friend was telling me how he had received some angry text messages from his ex-wife.  In the past, he said, he would have responded with angry words back, engaging her in a tit for tat argument that would lead to hurt feelings on both sides and possible rage on either side.  Either way, this type of response that they both had engaged in in the past only led to more insanity for him.  He reflected that through his yoga and other spiritual work, he realized that he didn’t have to respond.  He didn’t have to respond especially since his words of response would probably not be very nice.  He could choose silence.

As I listened to him, at that moment, I thought about how until only recently have I been able to do that.  In the recent past I would engage in the drama.  The old adage, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” (something that I say to my two sons when they can’t get along) really holds truth in it and is a step towards Ahimsa – the first Yama in yoga which literally means not to injure or be cruel to living things.  It also means compassion for all things in thought, action and words- friendliness, kindness, and thoughtfulness.

Soon after this conversation with my friend I would be tested to see if I could apply the first Yama. 

Text messaging is interesting.  It allows us to visually say to other people what we think or feel but takes away our voice, which I feel leaves something out when we are communicating with other people.  Feeling can be difficult to communicate in words and especially in text.  Also intention can get lost in a text- inflection and emphasis. 

I believe that texting can be easier, at times, to communicate those hurt, angry or frustrated words.  This may be true for people who do not like confrontation.  Saying the things that bother you when the person is miles and miles away could be easier than standing in front of them and hurling those same words as you see the twisted, confused or irate expression on the other person’s face. So, when we decide to put that text out there that communicates our hurt, anger or frustration without looking that person in the face, we are taking our chances at a response. 

I received such a text shortly after I listened to my friend’s account.  It was not just one text either, it was 22 texts! It was text after text about how I didn’t get it and how this person was angry, hurt and suffering but blaming ME for it. 

My first response was to try and get this person to take responsibility for their own actions and to not step into the middle of the situation which was not really about me.  What happened next was divine intervention…I couldn’t have done it on my own, I was too close to it and I had history with this person but with a friend’s help I was able to see what this person was asking for…compassion.  The Universe was asking me to practice Ahimsa and with the help of my friend I was able to!

My response was one of compassion and understanding of the suffering that they felt.  It reflected the feelings of helplessness and kindly recognized all that this person had done.  GUESS WHAT?  That was exactly what that person needed!!  Another 10 text messages or so came back shortly after I pressed SEND on mine but they were quite different from the first 22.  They were ones that said ‘Yes, that is exactly how I feel and I am so hurt because I care so much but I only knew how to say that in an angry way until I felt understood by you.’ 

I had many choices in that moment.  I could have perpetuated the drama by engaging in the same kind of insane behavior, I could have ignored the text and thereby saved my own sanity but (with the help of my friend) I choose to climb the ladder and move towards LOVE.  Ahimsa- compassion towards all beings- not always easy to do but it has the best result.