On Meditation

Pond Flowers on Jensen Lake, Apple Valley, MN

I have been meditating on and off for twenty years.  I know that it is what helps give me balance, peace and clarity.  I know that it brings me closer to my Higher Power.  

When I was 27 years old, I was a single parent, living at my mom's with a one-year old son.  I was quite lost and had only begun to have some clarity after giving birth and caring for this new human being.  It was as if God came down and said to me, "Now, you will learn what love is all about."  

Things began to come to me.  Books, people, prayer and meditation.  It just started happening.  An older friend, mentor  gave me a book called, "Ask Your Angels".  I started praying to the angels daily.  I met a old Chinese man named Clem Chang who taught me QiGong and began to do the microcosmic orbit meditation.  I picked up Marianne Williamson's, "A Return to Love" and Gary Zukav's book, "The Seat of the Soul"- I read and the words spoke to me.  

I continued to meditate and then one day a voice said, "It's about learning to love yourself.  You need to love yourself first before anyone can ever love you or you can ever give TRUE love."  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was true, I NEVER loved myself.  The concept was foreign to me. What did that mean?  All my life I had been looking for someone to love me, looking for approval, my father's, my mother's...I was never good enough.  The voice spoke loud and strong over and over during this time in my life.  "You are perfect the way you are.  You are worthy of self-love."  

I remember in college, I used to have these dreams of being unconditionally loved...complete, fulfilling, true love.  They were the BEST dreams.  The kind that you never want to wake from.  It came in the form of David Letterman (it could be that because I would stay up to watch The Letterman Show that he was the last thing in my head).  He was the person who loved me.  Loved me for who I was, loved for who I had been and loved me...completely.  It was like he showed me what it felt like to be filled with self-love because through his loving me, I  loved me!  I always say it was "David Letterman as God."

I'm 45 now and still trying to meditate.  Through yoga, it has been reaffirmed that it is something that I need to practice.  Most days I meditate in the morning, getting in 5-20 minutes of sitting or chanting or reading and then reflecting.  I like variety.  I find that evenings are more difficult  to fit it in.  My two boys are now 13 and 19 and then stay up late.  There is no more quiet time for mom in the evenings.  It is also the time that my husband and I connect and although I could say, "Hey honey, sorry, not now, I need to meditate," and he would understand, I am not there yet.  I am usually too tired and I am lucky if I say a quick prayer while I am laying under the covers quickly drifting into sleep.  

My goal is to meditate a half an hour in the morning and a half and hour in the evening.  If I can't reach that all the time the other thing that I am practicing in just being in the present.  In yoga, this is the practice of dharana, learning to focus the mind and bring it into the present on a regular basis.  The only time that exists is now and in this moment I can choose my path.  I choose self-love as I know that is the only way.  I need constant reminders, I am only human.   In this moment, I do the best I can.

The Life of Brahmacharya

This is my dog Gunnar. He is all Black Laborador Retriever. He lives to retrieve. He knows nothing about the study of Yoga or at least he has not told me so, maybe he does and this is the question I am going to explore.

I am currently in Yoga teacher training. It is an eight week program and I am on week 4. I have decided to study the 8 Limbed Path of Yoga by practicing a Yama and then a Niyama each week. This week it is the practice of Brahmacharya or non-excess.

Traditionally this was about celibacy in young monks, preserving your semen and protecting that life force for deeper meditation and focus. Non-excess may be a more contemporary interpretation and is possibly more attainable for yoga students in 2012. Non-excess is also something I can contemplate with regards to Gunnar. Is he the picture of moderation or is he excessive personified?

I could argue that he doesn't want for much. He wants to be fed daily with dog food and water. Does he want other kinds of food other than the food he is given? Well, the longing glances and impenetrable stares while I am eating my breakfast, lunch and dinner could imply that he would eat my food...ALL OF IT...if I let him. And yes, he has "stolen" sticks of butter, pieces of bread and other left-overs that were placed within his tongues reach. So, I guess we could come to the conclusion that if left to his own will-power, he would have little control of his eating impulses.

What makes Gunnar different from humans is the power of the voice. We have a voice to complain if we don't have enough, don't like what we have or want MORE! Food is an area I could definately work on brahmacharya. I tend to buy more food then we need and as a result, throw away food that goes bad.  At times have I have eaten more or ordered more food than I could or should have. I have indulged and over-consumed and my brain is bigger than Gunnar's. I have no excuse.

Gunnar doesn't excessively buy clothes, furniture, long for the newest car or latest electronic gadget.  His life is simple, feed me, walk me...better yet, take me to the dog park, and most of all...PET ME!  He can never be pet enough.  When I scratch under his chin, he lifts his head high and back- a huge heart opener  for him, a bit like camel pose- ustrasana, he does this naturally.

Gunnar has not asked for a new bed...yet...he is content to sleep on the floor but tends to prefer soft pillows.  He restrains himself at times when told to stay (when he obviously would rather be under the table waiting for dropped food).  When taken to the dog park and the ball has been thrown enough, he takes a break and lies in the long grasses in the distance to tell me that he is moderating his movement.  Gunnar is the MOST gentle being that I know.  He allows children of all shapes and sizes to manipulate his body.  They snuggle next to him, they dance with him, they wrestle with him- they use him in a variety of ways for their pleasure and he doesn't complain.  Gunnar barks on occasion, but doesn't carry on or use his voice in excess.

Wallace Slater, in his book "Raja Yoga" states that brahmacharaya is self-control in all things.  "Be temperate in eating, in sexual relaions, in movement, in emotional expression, in thought.  Avoid excesses of all kinds. Be gentle in action and speech.  Such behaviour will prepare the aspirant for subsequent practice in advanced mediation, and he will, at the same time, be an influence for peace in his surroundings (Slater, pg. 26)."  So Gunnar, because he is a dog, does not have a big enough brain to think about moderation.  He does what feels good and if that means he can get someone to pet him ALL DAY LONG, that is what he would do.  He is not intentionally practicing moderation so that he can prepare himself for advanced meditation, again, because he is a dog.  Yet, the above would have me contemplate how I could be more like Gunnar and be content with what I have and practice a little more moderation in some areas of my life like being patient and more quiet and content with what I have.

I do wonder, what does he do all day long when we are at work? Maybe he IS meditating?